Definitely exactly as it should be

 *random recent fave picture of me giving a toast because this post deserves 3 cheers*

I just realized that if I were asked how I would spend every single day of my life if I had all the money in the world, my answer would be: Exactly, exactly, exactly how I spend my days right now. Living in an exotic country, married to the most perfect man for me, having internal (and sometimes audible) debates on what to eat and wear, planning and going on holidays, playing host to loved ones who visit, having all the time in the world to go for yoga classes every single day, reading, writing, loving, laughing. Spending my days trying out ways to be best me I can be.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the life of my dreams. I am truly blessed.

365 #33 The question

I get frustrated sometimes by my own frustration. 

I know how grateful I should be for my very fortunate circumstances. 

So is it greedy of me to want more, more and more from life?

365 #11 Emo

I've been feeling emo the whole day. Since this morning, I've been wrapped in a blanket of self pity and home-sickness. Though where is home, exactly? I don't have a conventionally permanent one as yet, so I guess it's where the heart is. And right now, though most of my heart is still here with the hubs in this house that I've spent hours spring cleaning, pieces of it have flown away from me. They've flown to my hometown, taunting me as they breathe in the air filled with Chinese New Year bustle, shop for new clothes with my girls, wrap up ang pows to give to the kiddos, rub their hands in glee at the feasts ahead, slap down mahjong tiles, while they smile and smile and smile.

I know I promised myself this would be a space of goodness, but it's break time. After all, how could rainbows appear without a little rain?

Judging change

I've been thinking about change. Specifically, change in a person. You see, the thing is, we've always been taught that a leopard can't change it's spots, if a person does something once they'll always do it again... yada yada yada. And we always judge someone based on what they've done in the past. If they've cheated, they'll cheat again. If they're lazy, they'll always be lazy. If they've been mean, they'll always have that mean streak. We also judge based on their history. An example: 'Ahhh. he's like that because he had an abusive dad. It stems from his childhood so it's immersed in his subconscious and he'll probably beat all his kids as well.'

You get my drift. It seems we've always been led to believe the worst when it comes to our fellow mankind, or even ourselves. I can't count the number of times I've berated myself for every mistake I've made, and wondering why I couldn't be a better person. I'd think back to every single thing I've done along the same lines and label myself all kinds of bad things.

Which is ironic because we've also always been taught that change is the only constant in life. If history is anything to go by, we're all doomed. But even countries change - Germany is no longer the evil, machiavellic force it used to be. Economies change - the once poor China has risen like the dragon. So, if entities that consist of billions of people can collectively affect positive change, why is it that so often we can't even believe that a single person has the capacity to be better?

I read once that the best way to look at someone is just to see them as they want to present themselves. And I couldn't agree more. So often, I've looked at a wonderful person in front of me and wonder what their dirty little secrets are, and searched or probed for a weakness that could break that wonderful image that is 'on show'.  The number of times I've bitchily commented that 'ahh... these nouveau riche who are buying Chanel bags but who don't have the class and breeding to carry it are so lame.' But what is the point though? If someone who's overcome a lifetime of poverty and has now the means to spend and decides to change their entire wardrobe, who am I to criticize? Same goes for the playboy who had a history of womanizing but who's decided to settle down and be a good husband. Is it so hard to believe that he's a changed man? And how about that housewife who was a stay at home mum for 10 years suddenly turning into a high flying corporate go-getter? THAT change can't be denied.

I've changed a lot in the past 32 years. And I like to think that every single day I've changed to be a little better than I was the day before. I love that the hubs (who knows all my skeletons in the closet) looks at me like I'm the most amazing woman alive because he chooses to see me for the good person I try to be at this very moment. Because those skeletons are just that. Dead skeletons laid to rest, which should have no life or power over me nor anyone else they belong to.

People can change, because I know I've changed. And what a wonderful world this would be if we all looked at each other with less judgement and more encouragement. If we saw everyone for the change they want to be. If we saw ourselves for the change we want to be. 

Audience

So, here's the thing. I've been thinking, and this blog's at a standstill right now because I majored and worked in communications.

Let me explain. In PR, we've been trained (very well) to speak to specific audiences. In university, I majored in PR and Journalism and minored in Film & TV. My millions of assignments consisted of writing to the government (lobbying), writing hard news (rape, crime) for a newspaper, writing entertainment 'reports' for thrashy magazines, creating health/ political/ consumer PR campaigns (to name a few) that would attract and make believers out of those who 'heard' us... The list goes on.

Then in my ten years of working in various PR/ Communication departments of major corporations, a lot of my work included writing press releases skewed to either the news, business, fashion, sports or tech media. Writing financial reports for the reviews of either analysts, internal staff, investors, media. Writing speeches or letters for the management team directed to either government bodies, ministers, customers. Planning events to launch a product to the media or to consumers or the government. Planning investor relations activities. Planning staff motivation activities. Planning media relations activities. Planning management positioning activities to the government, community, staff, investors, media. Put very simply, it was all about crafting communication strategies that would effectively communicate a specific objective to a very specific group of people.

Every single piece of work that we had to churn out came with the same sort of information but had to be designed to speak to very different audiences in very different ways. And it might sound like I'm full of myself, but let me tell you - (in my favouritest job of all time, in the 5 best years of my career) me and my very super ex colleagues in the DiGi Corporate Communications team were the bomb when it came to effective communication. We had it down to a T. We were magic. We rocked. We kicked a§s. We were superstar PR-sters. We were cool. We were loved. Admired. Envied. And we got things movinggg! I like to think We ruled the Malaysian telco scene, baybeh.

Sorry. That got a bit long-winded and out of point. Reliving my glorious days as a career woman gets me a bit excited.

Anyway, back to the point. You see, the thing is, this blog started out directed to my friends and family who I wanted to talk to and update since I had moved to a veryyyy different time zone and regular skype calls or gmail chats were just not possible. The tone and manner of my writings was highly personal and familiar, and I could indulge in "telling-all". Which is why I used use my real name anyway. I figured, they all know me, and I'm too lazy it's way too complicated to log in and out of different gmail accounts every single time I wanted to blog. Also, being a google freak who loved to google my old friends, I thought, "it'd be awesome if my old friends (who I might have forgotten to email since I am also highly private on Facebook) bothered to try to google me, they'd find out what I was up to with my little blog and get in touch again!"


But when people I didn't know started visiting this site I guess I kinda froze. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy and absolutely LOVE reading the comments dropped by sweet readers, especially those who I've linked in my 'I Super Stalk' section, and the other anon ones who have been equally sweet and who always make my day when they comment. And to old friends who did find this blog, and read and dropped me emails of support and encouragement, I love you too!!! :)) All of you, known or unknown (yet) have literally become my virtual friends, and if it were just that, I could go on and on blogging away.

The problem is this. In the past 6 months, I've (finally!!!) become very wary of and annoyed with the fact that because Hubs and I are easily google-ble, I'm opening myself up to some very random people which I cannot really talk about here since, you know, I'm starting to realize that I should have started out being more private anyways. And it's always Hubby's name being googled, which makes sense because he is getting quite a lot of media publicity here in my new city and he was also quite famous in our old city. And since his most ordered dessert is named 'He*a ther' and everyone knows it's his wife's name, often, "He athe*r Will ia*m M a*hi" are also the keywords searched. So how am I supposed to blog about our life knowing there may be frenemies, customers, colleagues, media etc etc etc knowing too much about his personal life thanks to my tell-alls?

So anyway, the thing too you must know too about PR is that we stick to our strategies pretty strictly because consistency is key to not derail from the main objectives (which in the case of this blog was "to share stories about my current life with family and friends").

Hence the (almost) radio silence since June. 

The easiest thing to do would be to shut this down and move on. But I love the collection of posts I've accumulated and detest the idea of moving to another address, and I've really got sooooo much good stuff to talk about and pictures to show off share. So bear with me as I find ways to stay true to my objectives and gab to you in the familiar manner I love whilst finding a way to remain slightly more private and cryptic when dealing with this new audience that is not (yet) in my friends or family group.

Oh! And Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you have a good one and that your presents are as awesome as mine (yes, I peeked) :p 

Back

 
Back from the most invigorating and awesome break ever.
So bear with me trying to relive every precious moment here as I fight nostalgia, home-sickness and delayed jet-lag.
Though right now, it's hard to write cos I'm desperately missing the world's most wonderful Super Family. 
Absence does make the heart grow fonder, doesn't it? And it takes bad times to make the sweet times sweeter. Boredom to make fulfillment fulfilled. Ying to make yang. Stress to make a break relaxed.
After all, how can it be a happy reunion if you never were sadly separated?

Stalking

First off, a big HELLOOoooOoooOOOoooOOO to all the millions of very quiet readers who got here from KimberlyCun's sweet shout out on her blog: "Welcome, welcome!" *bows and curtsies*

And another big HELLOOOOOOOooOOoooooOOO to all the other 40 daily readers who've been with me all these years (hic) the past year: "Welcome backkk darls!"

Recently I got to thinking about blogging. Especially after seeing the hike in my readership. And somehow, once again came across something I wrote a long-long time ago on another site.

Creepy, creepy! I meant me, of course.

----

A Stalker

Friday, Oct 10, 2008 6:19AM

I like blog stalking.

I love the voyeurism of it all. A peek into someone's lives. Their thoughts. Dreams. Rantings. Simple accounts of 'what i did today'.

I love it even more when the words hit a chord. When the sharing is so intense I can't help but feel a real connection with this writer. Drawing me back to his/her page everyday, like an addict, needing my daily fix of this 'conversation'. An anonymous face not saying a word, just adding hit counts to the sites I love.

But I wonder at times about the truth behind these words. Are these people writing about a life based on their perceived reality? Or are they such well formed and confident souls who can bravely withstand the thoughts their words provoke?

And how many millions out there are like me, who love the blogosphere, but inside, don't feel we have the depth and intensity to build a blog as good as the ones we love? Who are afraid that if we started sharing, we would be judged as harshly as we judge those blogs we can't stand. For people like us, it is so much easier to claim to 'not have the time' or say, 'I am personal and can't be bothered to make my private life an open book.'

I'll update next, when I have the time.

In the meantime, you know what I'm up to.



----

Donc, (it means 'so', or 'therefore' in french)  (and I'm planning to add more words in french as time goes by to show off what a great student I am and to also brag about being one of the tops in class despite thinking I'd fail miserably) I started thinking about how and why I started blogging publicly in the first place.

It started out after moving to Luxembourg, and needing to communicate with the people I love which really is not easy when the time difference is so inconvenient. I guess it also helped that I now have loads of time on my hands, and writing something now and then instead of thinking and going deeper into the depths of my sometimes spiraling mind just felt much, much better.

Anyhoo, I wanted to go on and on about my thoughts and the like, but have nothing smart to say anymore. So this post is REALLY just a big welcome to everyone who stopped by. I'm just a girl (yes, yes, still a girl) who's traipsing her way around the world, and in the big, big realms of her mind.

Happy stalking!

Light-bulb moment

With holiday season in the air, I'm upbeat and bursting with things to blog about.

Suddenly, I'm remembering the Paris and Berlin trip many moons ago with Super Mi and Kesh I'd been meaning to share. Details of my little holidays here and there with Super Boo. The time when Bryan was here. The time when Leanne was here. The time when Megat was here. The times with the Super M's. The time when the most important people in my life were here.

So I was going through my albums, and looking through all the old-ish pictures, it made me smile and slightly sad. It's such a cliche to say it, but time passes so freaking quickly. Good times, they pass. Bad times, they pass. And how often have I spent wasted good times complaining about the one and only thing that would mar the otherwise perfect experience. Like, the bad weather. Or the bad food. Or that annoying person. Or this. Or that.

Looking back at the smiles in the pictures, did I even realize that the one thing I was complaining about or focusing on didn't matter at all? So what if the food wasn't great? What's most important is that I'm eating with the people I love. So what if I didn't have enough money to buy that Lindy/ Birkin/ Jumbo flap/ Nano (the list can go on forever) I want so bad? What's most important is that I'm window shopping with someone I'd give millions to be with. So what if the weather is grey? What's most important is that we've got shiny smiles. So what if they would get on my nerves sometimes? What's important is they're here. Right here. In my life.

Today, it's cold and gloomy and grey. But in my heart, life's warm, fuzzy and gay. I am so thankful for the little snippets of clarity that come to me once in a while. Cos I've got so many good days to look forward to. And I promise I'm going to spend every single one of them counting the millions of blessings I have.

Happy Monday, and thank you for stopping by!

A lousy narration. With a point.

I'm in a thoughtful mood.
And I had some food for thought this afternoon.

Most of you who know me well know that while pretending to be European these days, I still get my (more than) daily dose of Cheena-ism from the youtube-like websites (youku.com and tudou.com) that I got hooked on whilst living in Shanghai.

Every evening, I need my fix of 康熙来了. How I love 小S and 蔡康永. It's pure mindless entertainment, but I absolutely love, love, love it. I sit next to Super Hubs who watches the news and other serious french channels, with my laptop next to me and headphones in my ears, and laugh till I shake sometimes. J'adore the show. So much.

Okay... I've digressed.

Back to my story about deep thoughts.

So, today being the weekend, my fave show doesn't air. So I looked around for some stuff to watch whilst painting my nails. And it wasn't easy cos so many shows can't be watched from outside China. Some sort of copyright/ piracy issue. *thinks about the irony as I roll my eyes*

Sigh. I've digressed again.

Anyway, I came across 鲁豫有约, which is kind of like the asian "Oprah". And in the episode I finally settled on, she was interviewing 周迅, a multi-award winning actress who I never had too much interest in because I had never watched any of the movies she acted in. Mainly cos I'm such a mainstream chick that I've never had an affinity for award winning movies cos they're just too artsy and slow for me. One of my favorite feel good movies is White Chicks. So what?!? I like to laugh!!! *defensive in case I'm being stereotyped cos of my movie choices*

I digressed again, huh?

Okay. As I was saying. 鲁豫 was interviewing 周迅, who surprised me by being sweet, down to earth, witty and funny, and she was talking about her life and thoughts about winning awards all over the world, her love life, her lack of it, her interests, and all that jazz.

... YOU KNOW WHAT? I so suck at narrating stories.

Anyway. I promise there is a point to all this.

Basically, what made me think was this thing she said about life in general. She said that after winning her first award, she was happy, but almost at once, realized how fleeting everything was. Going onto stage to pick up her award, basking in the applause, it all lasted for 5 minutes. Then it passed. After all those months of filming the movie, that was it. She'd achieved the highest high. BUT THAT WAS IT! Then she realised something important. No one should ever dwell too much on the highs and lows of life. That it was important to not be too depressed about failure, nor too big-headed about success, because that too, will pass. For sure. 

I really don't do justice to what she said.

But the words struck a chord in me because I've always strived for 'success' and so-called 'perfection'. And she made me realize that as long as I enjoyed the journey, the end results, which could either be exhilarating or  demoralizing, didn't really matter, because those feelings would pass anyhow. And after that, I get to go on with another part of my journey.

I feel I'm not even doing justice to what I think. But in my head, it's really profound.

Anyhoo, watch it here if you understand mandarin and are interested:
http://www.tudou.com/playlist/p/a66676i86171709.html

The letter to me

On days when I feel down, I write. Not in this blog because some thoughts are too personal. But somewhere out there, I write and I write and I write and I write.

I write because it makes me make sense of my thoughts, and I write because it makes me feel better. Because in the end, I am all I have, as you are all you have. The bestest friends in the world can't replace the relationship you have with yourself.

And I've found the more I love and appreciate myself, the more I've been able to extend the same generosity of heart to others. It's when I feel scared and doubtful of my own abilities that I end up projecting it to all around me, and viewing the world with skewed eyes.

So, today, I felt bad. Cos of something bad someone did that I know is really not so important in the bigger scheme of my life.

And today, I came across a letter I wrote to myself a couple of months back. And I felt better. And while it's incredibly personal, I decided to share it here. Because everyone should write a letter to themselves once in a while. If only just to remind yourself of how awesome you are, and that this awesome person is in you all the time. That even if the world seems bleak, you still have you. Till the end of time.

Here's my letter to me.

What would yours say if you wrote to you?

---

Monday, 21 March 2011

Destined for greatness

Dear Super Hero Heather,

Thank you for being here for me all this while. You've been a solid rock, and you've been stronger than I ever imagined you could be - smiling through every challenge, and so so so calm and positive every single day.

You've shown grace and elegance when you did not know what to do or how to react. You're so sure of yourself, because you know it's you and your happiness that matters. In the face of life, you've been a joy to be with, and your innocence and sincerity and love for life will always shine through, because that's who you are. So beautiful, on the inside and out.

It's amazing how you try to find ways to improve every single day. You've come a long way, remember that, and pat yourself on the back for that. You must look forward to the days that come, because life can only get better and more wonderful for someone as lovely as you.

You may be unsure now, Heather, of how things will pan out. You want life to be perfect, and you want so much to be at a place of security and stability and financial abundance. I know how much you desire it, and how much you wish you had a book that could tell you exactly what to do to get 'there'. And I'm here to tell you, take heart and just keep trying and just keep going. It's written on the cards - you will have the happiness, abundance, precious friendships, loving family, perfect marriage, fulfilling days and peaceful encounters. You will have everything you want.

In fact, isn't most of what you want here already? Do you see? And it can only get better and better, exactly the way you imagine it to be. THAT I promise you.

And remember too, every decision you make IS the right one. Every one you made in the past was the right one. And every one you make in the future will be the right one.

Trust me, life is panning out exactly according to what you want. It may not seem like it at times, but it is. Trust me. One day you'll look back and go, 'ah! now THAT makes sense.'

So, waltz along now, great one. You're living a great life, and destined for an even greater one.

Smile and rejoice now, in practice for when you get there. 

Love,
Your ardent admirer

----

Hero tactics

What should a Super Hero do when faced with the most evil and machiavellic villian in the world?

a. Calmly confront and try to make them see the sense of their lunacy and inhumanity.

b. Sit and meditate and think positive thoughts and change the situation with good vibrations. (cue song: *heal the world*)

c. Whack and kick and beat the shit out of them.

I know what I'd wanna to do.

Guess.

Take a wild guess. :p

This too shall pass. Right?

Bear with me as I grit my teeth, 

try to turn the frown into a smile, 

and make an effort to dance in this storm.

After all, as they say, how can you make a rainbow without a little rain?

The choice

I've been away for quite some time now, haven't I?

Have you ever had the feeling that there are some days or weeks or months where things happen so quickly and life changes so unexpectedly and drastically that you can't even begin to fathom it in your head?

How do you jot stuff like that down? Especially when you haven't begun to know what to think of it yet? Or when you don't know the answer to the questions like, "what's next?"

Worry not though. Because despite it all, I feel appreciative and very contented. Because I know that everything's that happening is unfolding exactly as it should be.
 
After all, that's what life really is about, isn't it? Making the choice to be happy every step of the way.

It helps too, that people you love are magically present when you need them the most. And the people that matter stick by you like bees to honey.

I'm blessed. I truly am. And I know all of you are too.

Happy Wednesday, dear friends.

p.s. This video always makes me laugh. Enjoy! 

I am my very own Paparazzi

These weeks have been both wonderfully beautiful and incredibly gut wrenching. That's how the best times of life sometimes is, isn't it?

For the past three years now, Spring has always brought very strong gusts of winds of change to my life. 

And year after year, the changes bring me further from who I was and closer and closer to who I really am. 

As of now, the winds are blowing really hard again. In all directions. Messing up my hair.

But this time, I promise to not be scared, raise the alarms, and cry wolf. 

This time, I'm ready. With a huge, goofy, smile.

Bring it on.

After all, wind-swept, messed up hair is always sexiest, isn't it?

.

You know...

... how they say that you pack on the pounds in winter and then the weight melts away as the weather gets hotter?

So not true! In my case anyway.

I think I was much slimmer in winter (despite eating every hour on the hour). I gave no thought as to how my body looked (since I was under mounds of clothes anyway), and I just ate (a lot) to keep myself nourished (and happy). And then, I seemed to lose weight so effortlessly.

Recently though, the jeans that used to hang on my hips are now straining against my bulging tummy, and as the weather gets hotter, I feel myself growing a size bigger every 5 degrees celcius that rises.

And I'm even making an effort to not eat like a pig anymore in preparation for bikini season (though where I am actually going to wear a bikini to in Luxembourg is a totally different conversation altogether).

Does it make any sense that I have now come to the conclusion that the more I eat, the more weight I lose?

And now that I'm eating (slightly) less the weight's somehow going back up because my body's protesting in a somewhat rudely ironic manner.

Or that maybe my body is allergic to heat, and will swell up like a balloon when the temperature goes above 25 degrees celcius (like it did yesterday).

And that my jeans will be loose again tomorrow since it's forecasted to be 3 degrees celcius.

Cos I already feel slimmer today cos it's 10 degrees celcius right now.

... aren't you glad you're not living in my head? (or in Luxembourg for that matter?)...

.

Of the french teacher and her iron fist

My french speaking and understanding has accelerated recently with the new semester and new professor who I hated feared for the first few weeks because she was strict and very scary. She's pushing the class so hard, sometimes when I get out, the world spins, and I am left reeling with the enormity of everything else I have to learn.  

In the past few weeks, my performance in class has been a far cry from the time I was top student in the easy peasy super beginner's class a mere few months ago. 

BUT because I am innately kiasu, I've been having to go home and actually sit and revise and study and practice every single day after class. This is all so when I get called on, I can answer smugly and correctly like the teacher's pet I want to be again. Yes, yes, I am aware I have an inordinate need for approval and recognition. :-x So what?!? *defensive* 

Je voudrais parle bien le français! 

Anyways, the moral of the story is: It's good when you get your butt kicked sometimes. You advance further than you ever could have sitting on your pretty ass.  

il n'y a pas de soleil aujourd'hui

(there is no sun today) 

.

Raw - Japan

I can't say much about what is happening in Japan. My words seem to be insufficient and insignificant in this traumatic time, but here is is a raw and beautiful post from someone who was there that made me cry (yet again).

 

Pic Source

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Change is good

These days I have been very very happily doing up my vision boards and writing my affirmations and intentions for 2011. It's an exciting time because everything is possible, and the world's my oyster.

And in the midst of taking control of my life right now and planning all the fun things to do in the days to come, a line that I've always loved keeps coming to mind: "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

I had been ready to dismiss 2010 as a year of angst and pain. A year that (I felt) I had lost control of everything. Especially in the last few months of the year, I struggled with my own personal insecurities and inner turmoils and projected them on how I viewed the people around me and the world. It was a year of change that I persisted to resist. It was a year that dragged me out of my comfort zone, and plonked me into the unknown, where I balked and sulked and stared longingly back at my past life.

So yeah, in 2010 my challenges were more mental than anything. Because in actual fact, it was a year filled with rollercoaster-like adventures, luxuries, and experiences that I had always dreamed about and look forward to having even more of.

Here's a recap for old time's sake. 

In January,

I was living in Shanghai. Shopping and eating away very happily.

Daddy came visit.

And I made a lifetime friend.

In February,

 I was back in KK. Such an awesome month.

Planned our wedding. 

Celebrated CNY with my Super Family. 

Collected AngPows for the very last time. 

Got Married!!! :) :) :)

In March,

Maddy and Jinee visited me in SH and we relived our college days for almost 3 weeks, 

only in much more style and with much more money. 

We be the stylo rich girls :)

In April,

Super Hubby gets offered the job in Luxembourg. 

We decide to take it. 

Hurried packings and rushed farewells to my (now) beloved Shanghai.

Spent a few days in Brighton and London for a mini belated honeymoon before we arrive in Luxembourg.

 Sobbed like a baby when found out my Sticky had run away from his foster house in SH, 

and learnt I could really love a cat.

In May,

I began my new life in Luxembourg.

I visited Cologne for the first time.

I ate at my very first 1 Michelin Star restaurant. A sign of good even better restaurants to come.

We moved into our very cosy home. 

In June,

Mahi Restaurant is launched (I am today a proud mother hen of a very popular restaurant in Luxembourg).

In July, 

Ate at another 2-Michelin star restaurant, just before the Chef retired. 

Visited my city of love for the first time ever. Twas a dream come true.

A mere three weeks later, 

we had an awesome summer holiday in Biarritz, 

where I met Oliver, 

and also had the best breakfast of my life.

In August,

I went to Brussels twice, once for a day shopping trip, and another for a lovely, fun, romantic weekend with Super Hubby. 

All my stuff arrived from Shanghai, and I also got to excitedly prepare for Mummy and Keshia's visit.

In September, 

MUMMY AND KESH WERE HEREEEEE!

I turned 31.

Went to Paris again. Still love it.

Visited Berlin for the very first time. Loved but still haven't blogged about it.

Started French lessons.

In October,

Started spiral of self inflicted pity party.

Super Hubby treats me to another 1-Michelin star restaurant. 

In November, 

Went to my first ever concert in Luxembourg. Faithless.

Also celebrated a very dear friend's birthday.

In December,

Got paopei and had some awesome sisterly time.

 Visited the famed Strasbourg Christmas Market.

Experienced the most intense snowfall Europe has ever felt in decades.

Had an amazing Christmas.

Got to spend some time with Daddy in Amsterdam.

Had a brilliant new year's eve with friends and family in Luxembourg. 

---

What a ride!

And I'm sooooooooooooooooo excited and ready for more. :)

Bonne Annee!!!

2011, welcome.

I am ready to kick some ass.

Exactly as it should be?

Every now and then, I drown in thoughts of "is this all?!?!" and "what's my role in this life?!"

Don't get me wrong, I DO truly appreciate my life right now. I mean, what more could a girl ask for? A comfortable life, loving and protective husband, great family back home, awesome friends all over the world. But then I get itchy and wonder, "this can't be all there is to life?!"

I leisurely get ready for class, do household chores slowly, or help out with the stuff I do at the restaurant at my own pace, while everyone around me is rushing around with a mission, a purpose, an aim. Everyone seems soooo busy, while I have all the time in the world.

For a while, I even hated going on FaceBook cos frenemies who used to be 'lower' than me (career-wise, at least) seemed to be doing well and being successful and having a fulfilling life and all. While now I am just a housewife.

This really is a case of be careful what you wish for. Two years ago, being in the rat race made me pray soooo fervently to be a taitai. Today, I'm not a taitai, of course. But I got my wish of not having to be stressed and working like a mad woman.

I even used to tell people how I never ever had a break, ever. You see, I was lucky in that I secured a job even before graduating from Uni, so the moment our last class was over, I started work the week after. I complained about it then though. Complained about the fact that I never had a break the way other people did. I complained about the fact that I had gone from secondary school straight to uni with not even a month's break, then from uni to work in less than a week, and then worked with no more than a week's break every year, for 8 years.

So from being the girl who was busy, stressed, busy, stressed, I have now been given the break I wanted all my life. But, as is often the case of the grass is greener on the other side, I am now bored. And also incredibly self conscious about the fact that I seem like the typical stay at home Asian wife married to a gwai-lo.

While this was the life I used to joke around with my ex colleagues about wanting to have, I just never realized how much inner strength and confidence someone must have to live a life like this.

It's not easy to face people when all you have is YOU. When there is nothing else, no job title, no glamor, really, truly, nothing else to define who you are but YOU.

In the past, it boosted my ego to no end when I could fluff my peacock-like feathers behind my very cool business card, or have people introduce me as, "Heather from XXXX. She's the XXXX, and in charge of XXXX." And the other person would be suitably impressed and ask me intelligent questions that I could answer wittily and humbly cos I'm don't want to appear too cocky, and then I would go home feeling oh-so-smug about myself.

These days, I'm just Heather, the chef's wife. And do you know how much more you have to try to be charming and smart and witty when you're JUST a wife to be taken seriously? Most new people you meet won't even deign to give you a second look. Well, not all. Some still give me the time of day here, cos I'm still a little cool like that. But being 'just a wife' has subjected me to quite a few strange questions. Here are just two cos I don't want to get all worked up thinking of the rest. 

1. How did you learn to speak English?
I promise you. If I was still Heather from XXXX, in charge of XXXX, no one would even think to ask such a stupid question. I promise you.
I realise too that if I was still Heather from XXXX, in charge of XXXX, I might also not take offence to this question cos I would be secure in my perceived esteemed position and all.

2. Did you marry for love or because you wanted to move to Europe?
OH! I swear someone asked me this! Took every inch of my self control to not slap the questionee silly!

*bristling just thinking of this question again*

Okay. What was the point of all this rambling again?

Ah. The point is that the past few months have been an incredibly wonderful character building exercise for me. I look back on the days of Heather from XXXX, in charge of XXXX fondly, of course. But most days, I'm learning to be comfortable with just being Heather. Wife.

Now that THAT lesson is (hopefully) over, and I've really, deeply learnt that all titles are superficial and all I have is me and that I should focus on developing myself internally and all those good things I try to repeat to myself after reading all the self help books I can get my hands on, it brings me back to the question in my first paragraph. "What's my role in this life?" "Shouldn't I be doing something to make a positive difference to the world?"

What frustrates me daily is that I have no clue what to do or what action to take. The thing with a career is that there is always a path. Now there's no career, so I haven't a clue what to do. Ideally, I'd love to work for an NGO or charity and find a way to contribute to society. But for now, my French/ Luxembourgish/ German is still not up to par. So I know that my language courses are what I need to focus on. Which I am doing now, of course.

But there are still so many other hours in the day when I have no idea what to do with myself. Which is hard to admit. Cos I'd love to seem like I'm extremely busy and all, like the rest of the cool people who don't have enough hours in a day, because there is just soooo much to do. I end up online window shopping.

Not that I want to do anything and everything just to keep myself busy, of course. Some people have tried to take advantage of my very available state to get me to work for free and such. I'm sorry, but my employers used to pay me very good money. Just because I'm 'just' a wife at this moment doesn't mean that I forgot my worth, ok?

I'm not after a career (though I DO miss the big fat paychecks I used to get in SH. *ahhhh... $$$$$$ my old friend, come back to meeeee....* ). I just want to wake up everyday with a purpose and go to bed feeling like I've fulfilled something, ya know? It's always been my dream to be part of something, an organization or group with a purpose bigger than just making money and climbing up the corporate ladder. To do something for the world. For humanity. In my idealistic mind, there is something so noble and fulfilling in jobs like that. How I find my way in that is the question I ask myself every single day.

Hubby reckons we should make babies. I tell him to touch wood and don't think crazy. Babies cost much more than actual online shopping.